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Talk:Super Smash Bros. Beta/@comment-4332975-20140322181336
There is some potential here, and the writing is solid, but you're covering some well-trodden ground with this story. As is, it reads more as a creepypasta remix, than a new story in its own right. The flea market game can be excused, since it's well explained, and as Mutahar says, "You have to get your game from somewhere.", but the idea of a game where characters vanish if they lose, as well as the outcome of the game affecting the player, doesn't really get enough of a new spin here to differentiate from the many times it's been done before. Beyond that, though, I'd say that there isn't enough characterization given to the narrator and their friend. As a reader, we really don't see anything that would justify the way they just take things in stride. Sure, up to a point you can just laugh it off, but when both players are frightened, but decide to keep playing anyway? That doesn't make much sense. For that matter, it's not really explained why cut content, some of it unfinished, would all play perfectly, if I were inclined to really nitpick. Finally, though, there's a few elements that are poorly conveyed or under-utilized. For a start, and most glaringly obvious, this "Voodoo Toad" character. This one just sort of comes out of left field at the end of the story. There's no lead-up, and no explanation for the inclusion. That's not a plot twist, it's a space flea from nowhere (or Diabolus Ex Nihilo, if you prefer). Somewhat tying into this, you could have slipped in a lead-up to "Voodoo Toad" by giving a bit more explanation on the beta content. For instance, describe how some of it was buggy and didn't work, what the added characters were, and what they played like / what bugs they had, over the course of some summarized matches. Then while doing that, casually slip in about a Toad character how they looked on the character select screen, and that the game locked up if you tried to start a match with them. The last thing that comes out of nowhere, though, it the most unforgivable. You end the story on an, "and then I died" moment. This ending just doesn't work. I've actually written a detailed article on why "and then I died" endings don't work before, so I'll just summarize here. It's a cop-out ending. The only way you can make death of the narrator work is if the entire story is leading up to it; as in, throughout the story it has to be hinted at, so that when the reader sees that the narrator is dead at the end of the story, they have a sudden realization of how everything makes sense. If you can't make the reader feel like they should have known it all along, all you'll achieve is ruining their suspension of disbelief at the last possible moment, and souring their opinion of the whole thing.